Turning Holiday Pitfalls into Healing Possibilities for Couples

The Christmas season can be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but for couples who are walking the road to recovery, this season can also be hell on earth! How could such a joyful season, celebrating the birth of Christ, end up being such a dark time for so many couples and families? For those of us in recovery from unwanted sexual behavior or healing from betrayal trauma, the holiday season can be filled with a multitude of new dangers and pitfalls. These issues are all common:

• Our recovery groups—the anchor of our recovery—might not meet for a few weeks.
• We travel to see family, opening up family of origin dynamics, emotional triggers, and the complex stress of travel. 
• Communication breakdowns or fights erupt over where to spend the holidays or how much to spend on gifts. 
• We have more time off, unstructured days, and often more overindulgence, all of which can accelerate us to a downhill plunge emotionally, mentally, and physically. 
• Christmas is often filled with more pressure, busyness, and anxiety, all of which may trigger strong emotional reactions or avoidance patterns.

When my wife and I walked through our recovery over 10 years ago, we faced some significant challenges over the holidays—including everything on the above list! The new healthy patterns we had established over the first few months of groups and counseling were suddenly put to the test in ways we had not anticipated. To be honest, we did not navigate the first Christmas or two well, but we learned so much about ourselves and about recovery. 

Here are five observations we learned together about holiday health, primarily through the lens of my recovery as a male struggler. 

1. Make Her Needs a Priority

One part of our story is that I consistently put my wants and needs ahead of my wife’s and left her feeling unimportant in our marriage. Christmas became a prime opportunity for me to show my wife I was learning to put her needs ahead of my own. This may or may not be your issue, but we all need to look beyond the struggle with pornography itself to other issues that were byproducts of our pattern. Selfishness, preoccupation with media, avoidance, and narcissism are common issues that accompany addiction. At Christmas especially, we can work to show our spouse how we are changing not only our negative sexual behaviors, but also our unhealthy patterns that damaged our relationship.

For us, this meant having more conversations ahead of time about our hopes, dreams, and expectations for the holidays. I learned to ask good questions, like, “What will make this a good Christmas for you? What is something that will disappoint you if we don’t get to do it? What do you need from me heading into Christmas? How can I help?” Honestly, these were new questions for me to ask and for my wife to hear! When we ask questions like this of our spouse, and then follow through based on their answers, we show that we value them and their needs ahead of ourselves.

2. Grow in Empathy.

The second observation pairs directly with the first one. As I learned to listen for my wife’s emotions and needs, I also had to learn to take them seriously! Due to my self-centeredness, I had developed a dismissive attitude about the feelings and experiences my wife had that did not align with my own. When she shared them with me, I would often have an internal, knee-jerk reaction that said something to the effect of, “This isn’t that big of a deal—she needs to just get over it!” Though I wouldn’t say this out loud to her (thankfully!), my minimization of her feelings gave me convenient permission to push her experience aside and not do anything to help. I would have a great Christmas! My wife? Not so much; because I wasn’t engaging with her needs and feelings. I was too busy enjoying “my Christmas break.” 

For me, then, recovery meant truly listening to my wife’s fears, feelings, and experiences and accepting them as completely valid. This helped me grow in empathy—being emotionally and physically present in what my wife was experiencing. The same goes for you. How might you grow in empathy? How could you not only listen for your spouse's hopes and expectations, but actively seek to relate to them in a meaningful way? When we embrace the role of being a support and champion for our spouse, our Christmas experience will be very different!

3. Lean IN to the Tough Family Dynamics.

Every family has challenging family dynamics, and ours is no different. When the disagreements would come up on my side of the family, I expected my wife to be understanding and work with me on solutions. At the same time, however, when the issues were happening on her side of the family, I found excuses to be occupied elsewhere—in front of a TV, “helping the kids,” or running an errand. For years, what I missed is how often this left my wife feeling like she had to stand alone when she needed me most. 

Part of your recovery is learning how to lean into pain in your life rather than avoid it. This must carry over into how you handle those unfortunate holiday situations that are bound to come up. The uncomfortable family dinner; the nagging relative; the needy sibling. Rather than zoning out or escaping these situations, determine that you will stand side by side and face these situations as a couple together. Ask your spouse how you can be a support to them in any area of challenge they face with the holidays and then do this together!

4. Proactively Communicate Your Guardrails.

In our story, the holidays held more memories of pain for my wife than I realized or remembered. Times where I had hurt her, times where I had confessed to a relapse, or simply her unresolved fears all came crashing back in this season. As we processed all of this in counseling, I understood the need to proactively communicate with my wife about my plans to maintain sobriety and overall health during the holidays.  

Believe me—your spouse is aware your group won’t be meeting and this concerns them. They are wondering what you will do in this unique time, even if they aren’t saying it. So how can you show the growth and progress you are making? Be proactive about making a plan AND communicating that plan to your spouse.

5. Build New Memories Together.

Remember: when the addiction or struggle came to light, for the betrayed spouse, it felt like the photobook of your marriage was thrown into the air and memories became a jumbled mess, as she tried to figure out what was real. This time may be a hotbed of emotional landmines and triggers over the trauma of your behavior. The best step you can take to change this is to write a new story together. 

This Christmas season is a tremendous opportunity to build new memories together as a couple and as a family. How might you seek out ways to intentionally create connection, foster joy, and make new memories together? At Pure Desire, we often say that we are wounded in relationships, and we are healed through new and positive experiences of relationships. Simply avoiding relapse won’t get your marriage to the good place you want it to be. So, develop a “mindset of opportunity” to rebuild your marriage. Play in the snow. Make the hot chocolate. Go to a concert. Engage together as a couple in new memory making and the relationship will grow.

My prayer for you is that this truly will be “the most wonderful time of the year,” not because everything is perfect, but because you are seeing progress in your recovery and in your marriage. God has a way of turning Bethlehem stables into a throne room, shepherds into heralds, and silent nights into angelic celebrations. He can take the pitfalls of your past and turn them into new, high ground for your marriage. May Christ be at the center of your life and marriage, making all things new.

Merry Christmas!

The views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are those of the author alone and do not reflect an official position of Pure Desire Ministries, except where expressly stated.