Time for Denzel to Retire

It was hard for me to believe that I would see one of the greatest actors forced to retire! Yes, the man who has won countless awards for various roles played: lead, supporting cast, even director. The man who had the ability to captivate an audience. The man who was a master of his craft. The man who could light up a room and cause people to feel every God-given emotion created. The man who was dedicated to upholding an image, even at the detriment and expense of his family. The man who always had a smile on his face, but secretly was alone, exhausted, and was doing everything in his power to avoid pain and trauma. The man who is known by everyone (so he thinks)…but honestly, AND I MEAN HONESTLY, is hardly known by anyone. I am talking about the “Actor” mask I call “Denzel,” one of the greatest (worst) actors on the planet.

I had you for a second, didn’t I? 

To be completely vulnerable with you, this actor mask (that Father Harry Flanagan forced me to give a name) has been with me since childhood. He helped me fit in, dodge rejection, get attention from my family and authority figures, get praised and recognized for performing well, and much more. This mask made me feel like I belonged and I had purpose! I thought, If this is what people like, then give them what they want. It felt good…or so I thought.

In reality, I used this mask to hide behind because I didn’t believe I was good enough. Due to the countless “whacks and lacks" that seemed to be a normal pattern for me, I needed an escape and “Denzel” helped me with a pseudo identity. As I shared, I recognized that this mask had been with me since childhood, but it also consists of many different protective personalities, so the name “Denzel" was perfectly suitable. My mask became a character. He was a performer, overachiever, liar, manipulator, victim, perfectionist, passive-aggressive, explosive, hero, clown, critic, nice guy, avoider, spiritualizer, Pharisee, hard worker, controller, rescuer, and pleaser. 

So Why Do We Wear Masks?

In short, they serve one purpose: to keep us safe. But it’s a false safety. The challenge with wearing masks is that it robs us from true intimacy with the Father AND others because we are projecting a version of ourselves that isn’t who we really are. The word “hypocrite” literally means “one who wears a mask.” We wear masks because of shame: the belief that says, WHO I AM IS BAD, UNLOVABLE, AND NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Shame is directly connected to our identity, and the mask we wear is a byproduct of covering up the things we are ashamed of. 

Michael Dye, the author of The Genesis Process, gives us these examples of masks worn by those of us with protective personalities:

• Clown 
• Actor
• Spiritualist
• Pharisee
• Bully
• Doormat
• Victim
• Bouncer
• Hero
• Rescuer
• Victimizer
• Martyr
• Pleaser
• Overachiever
• Lazy Loser
• Critic
• Perfectionist

And more.

How Do I Let Go of My Masks?

I'm sure you're asking yourself questions like, How do I let go of these masks? or Where do I begin? I’m glad you asked! I cannot help being a pastor, so forgive me, but I want to give you four tools that I’ve gleaned from The Genesis Process, Seven Pillars of Freedom, and an extensive amount of counseling that has helped me in my healing. And trust me when I say, I still use these tools because “Denzel” OFTEN wants to come out of retirement!

1. Identify the Mask and Give It a Name

I invite you to look at the list above and circle the protective personalities you wear. If you don’t see it listed, feel free to add the mask you wear. We cannot overcome what we don't shine light on and confront. Identification says, “I’m choosing to no longer live in denial and face reality.”

Next, give it a name! Have fun with this! Harry and I laughed pretty hard at the name Denzel for my mask, but there’s so much power in giving it a name! When you give it a name, you’re now able to easily identify when you’re no longer walking in alignment with who our heavenly Father has designed you to be. 

In the New Living Translation, Ephesians 2:10 says,

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

The English Standard Version says,

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:10 (ESV)

You are HIS workmanship, HIS masterpiece! Meaning, you were handcrafted, made with intentional, thoughtful design. You were made with love, tenderness, deep satisfaction, and care. He delights in YOU! You reflect HIM! Not the masked version but YOU! So walk in who God created you to be and reject the masked person you’ve pretend to be! YOU ARE ENOUGH!

2. Do the Deep Work to Discover the Origin

After we have identified the mask we wear and have given it a name, do the deep work to discover the origin. This may be challenging, and emotional, but to encourage you: “feeling is healing.” 

In Pete Scazero’s book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, he has a chapter called “Going Back So That You May Go Forward - Breaking the Power of the Past.” He says, 

“True spirituality frees us to live joyfully in the present. It requires, however, going back in order to go forward. This takes us to the very heart of spirituality and discipleship in the family of God - breaking free from the destructive sinful patterns of our pasts to live the life of love God intends.”

Going back to go forward is courageous! This presents the challenge of revisiting painful and triggering moments. To give you hope and encouragement in this journey of going back to go forward, you are not alone; we have the helper with us every step of the way! When we dare to be courageous, we can see the conception and birth places of the masks we’ve worn.

To help give you some language, I’ll go first.

Through my healing journey, I can see that my Denzel mask was created at the age of seven! This was the age that had several significant “whacks and lacks.” This was the age when I witnessed a sudden shift in my family! My parents fought regularly but never resolved anything. This is when the passive-aggressive, avoidant, and people-pleaser masks were formed. Although I learned conflict, I never witnessed reconciliation or problem solving, so I developed the learned behavior that we don’t talk about problems to solve them; but we use conflict to make a stance, tear other people down, and sweep problems under the rug like nothing happened.

My father was always tired because he worked the graveyard shifts, but still found time to spend with his friends, DJing, playing in bands, partying, helping other people and attending other functions, instead of being present with me and my sisters. The part of my Denzel mask that was developed here was the hard worker and performer, because if I could do something to get my dad’s attention, then I would be worthy of his time. The lie I believed was that I wasn’t good enough for him. It was then I learned that in order to be recognized and celebrated, or have my dad attempt to show up, I had to perform! I had to work hard, excel in school, and be the best in sports. I learned that quality time had to be earned, and I was only valuable in what I could do.

The age of seven was also when I was introduced to porngraphy—7 YEARS OLD! My Denzel mask really developed here because I learned how to become secretive, deceptive, and manipulative. Being secretive with sexual brokenness followed me until I found freedom at age 22. Denzel kept my sexual brokenness hidden. I didn’t want people to think I watched porn in private. I didn’t want people to know I had a love addiction and had sex before marriage, while being a young minister in a clergy collar. And I for sure didn’t want people to know I was a weekly regular at a strip around this same time. Denzel allowed people to love the “best parts of me” because I feared I would be rejected if people really knew the worst parts of me.

So, in what moments in your life were your masks conceived and birthed?

3. How Do Your Masks Protect You?

The next step is to describe the behaviors that are attached to the masks you wear and identify what they were protecting you from.

How do you act? How do you behave? For those who can identify as a clown or comedian, is this when you became the class clown? This is simply a form of acting out since it gives us attention, both visibly and audibly. But in reality, it is protecting us from feeling rejected or abandoned by loved ones, because we feel starved of affirmation and attention. Or for those who are the pleaser, do you have a natural reaction to say yes to everything; even knowing it comes at the expense of not only you but those you love and are connected to? One reason you may do this is to protect yourself from feeling deep shame from past mistakes. It may come from the belief that in order to make yourself feel better, you need to be a “blessing” to someone else; when actually you’re secretly and selfishly using someone else’s pain or brokenness to minimize your own. 

Ouch, that one stings…because truthfully, I’m describing how Denzel has shown up for me over the years. 

I invite you to take a moment to describe the behaviors that are connected to your mask and list what they are protecting you from, so you can take the step of letting them go.

4. Let Go of the Mask and Embrace Your Identity in Christ

Finally! This leads me to my last point: let go of the mask and embrace your identity in Christ! This is where freedom begins! Harry shared this with me that I never looked at it this way before and he said, “Immanuel, say thank you to Denzel for protecting you from the significant traumatic moments of your childhood. But it is time to let him go! He no longer serves a purpose, he is hindering your growth, and robbing you from true intimacy with the Father, your wife, children, and loved ones. Being stuck is waiting for someone else to change, so how is that working for you? (Insert Harry’s laughter here.)”

I was deeply challenged by this. To believe that God has a plan and purpose for my life. To believe that He has given me a new name. To believe that my sins are forgiven as far as the east is to the west. To believe that I am a son of the Most High God. To believe that I am a new creation, the old has passed away, and the new is here. To believe that I am His workmanship, created in the image of God to do good works. To believe there is nothing that can separate me from the love of God. To believe these things is COURAGEOUS AND TRUTH! 

I want to leave you with this: the importance of using ALL of these tools gives you the ability to recognize when you are falling into old behaviors! You now know when your Denzel is starting to show up instead of you! You know how he acts, why he wants to act, and what he is protecting you from. Letting go of the mask leads to an authentic and courageous life!

So today, I challenge you to let go of your masks! To the Father, you are enough! You are fearfully and wonderfully made! You are forgiven! You are not defined by the sins of the past nor the sins of your fathers and mothers! You are not your struggle! You are an overcomer! 

Today, let go of the mask, embrace your identity in Christ, and walk in it!

---

The views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are those of the author alone and do not reflect an official position of Pure Desire Ministries, except where expressly stated.