The Truth Will Set You Free

If you have spent any considerable amount of time around recovery, you likely understand the significance of digging down to the root of the addictive behaviors. This root is often centered around traumatic and/or abusive experiences of some degree.

Many people turn toward unwanted behaviors as a way of coping, avoiding, or numbing a painful memory of this abuse or trauma. While this is a very simplified description, it is not intended to minimize or trivialize this reality. Only to summarize.

How does this story change when unwanted behaviors look very similar to someone who is coping, avoiding, or numbing painful experiences, but there is no recollection of the traumatic experience? The journey of healing and recovery becomes like a puzzle; all of the corners and edge pieces are in place, but there are three or four significant pieces that are missing, so the complete intention of the puzzle can not be seen until those pieces are found.

At the age of 34, my life radically changed—Jesus’ pursuit of me finally opened my heart to surrender to Him. What began my relationship with Him was also marked by a relationship with my ex-husband who struggled with sexual addiction. It wasn’t until this marriage ended (2014) that I found Pure Desire, where I began my journey of healing from the trauma of betrayal. After going through Betrayal & Beyond it was evident I had my own past to sort through.

This involved 34 years of a very skewed perception of love, intimacy, identity, value, body image, loyalty, and relationship; a few areas that had been wildly misrepresented to me. But why?

In Pure Desire groups, I learned that the areas which influence the root of addiction were growing up in an addictive society, family of origin dysfunction, and early abuse and/or personal trauma. When I first started my journey of recovery, I didn’t relate to any of the three of these areas. Sure, every family has their dysfunction, but I wasn’t physically abused, there was no yelling in my home, I had everything I needed—so this didn’t explain anything. I didn’t recall any personal trauma or abuse until my behaviors were well established. It must have been the very over-sexualized community I was surrounded by. But, as I dug deeper, there were behaviors, thoughts, and feelings I had at a very young age that were screaming there was something more to the story. 

As I went through a group again, and dug a little deeper, what I can best describe as “snapshots” began coming to consciousness. One snapshot of me sitting on a tall counter kept coming to mind. There wasn’t much more than this snapshot—no movement or action—but the feeling in my body was that of fear and confusion. I took this to prayer. I didn’t know what else to do with it. I prayed that God would reveal to me what this meant, in His timing, and that He would hold me together when He did.

In one group experience there was a woman who had been walking the journey of love and sex addiction, and childhood sexual abuse much longer than me. Hearing her story, seeing her progress, witnessing her self-grace and her understanding of what she had endured gave me great hope and comfort. She shared about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy) and how this had helped her. She also shared her journey of inpatient treatment and how beautiful transparency in community was for her healing. 

As months went by, in my “gut,” I told myself there was something more to this snapshot; something that explained the unexplainable, and made me think that God must want to spare me the details. I accepted this and continued the process with a theory, but no memory. At times this made perfect sense, but other times it made me more confused. I would think, Am I making it up? Am I trying to avoid responsibility? Trying to sort it out while keeping the lies of years of unhealthy behaviors out of the equation was TOUGH! After all, I was still in the process of replacing limbic lies with the truth. My mind would sometimes go numb on its own from this dance. I desperately wanted more understanding, but was scared to death of what I might see. If God had spared me this long, it must be ugly.

In early 2018, four and a half years into healing and recovery, I woke up one morning much earlier than normal. My eyes popped open and I prayed. I closed my eyes and said something like, “This would be a good morning for a memory.” I laid there and it hit me. 

If you’ve never experienced this phenomenon, it is difficult to explain. This was not a complete cognitive replay of the event or events. My body remembered and expressed the memory in sensory overload. What my 5-7 year old brain couldn’t explain, express, or understand was still stored in my body as sensory expression. The smell of moth balls and a musty basement, feelings of fear, being scared, aroused, and confused. A few words, a voice, a few more snapshots; then my body and mind went numb. As I laid there in confusion to what just happened, I decided to get up and take a shower. As the water hit me and I came back to the present, I broke down in tears. 

Although this memory did not manifest itself in a way that made total sense to me, or in a conventional packaging, eventually I learned to accept it as a gift. This was the way I needed to receive it, and as much as God thought I needed to know. Now, I knew… it was confirmed.

I pulled out my journal and wrote down what I had just experienced. Later that night, I called a group member and shared. It took me a few days to process, and then I contacted a counselor who was trained in EMDR and we started processing a week or so later. Because of the brave women who went before me, who shared their experiences with me, I knew what I needed to do and I wasn’t afraid to begin. 

Although this was incredibly painful and confusing, I felt completely “set up” in the best way possible. I felt so seen and loved! I had peeled back the layers of the onion that had protected my little-girl heart, mind, and body for so long that it truly felt like perfect timing (if there is such a thing). God knew I was ready and had created such a soft landing for me.

Previously, I mentioned replacing limbic lies with the truth. I had a really hard time doing this without knowing the truth. This memory was the catalyst to knowing the truth. Within this memory I found the missing puzzle pieces. Understanding what happened to me as a little girl explained so much of my story. It didn’t excuse many of my behaviors but it sure explained them. Knowing the truth of my past finally allowed me to make the head-heart connection and accept the truth of my identity in Christ.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” 

John 8:32 (NIV)

As I began to understand the influence this had on my life, I experienced more and more peace with my past, and was able to address the limbic lies more effectively. My core wounds of rejection, loneliness, and feeling unlovable were replaced with CHOSEN, PROTECTED, SEEN, and LOVED! 

Even as I compiled these thoughts today, my body still has a response. My brain still hasn’t had enough practice in processing sensory memories. When I have them, it still is a bit confusing. However, I am equipped with so much more acceptance of this, and I am able to ground and regulate through those feelings with grace and curiosity.

My story is by no means a warning that you should be waiting for a painful memory to pop up out of nowhere. But it does happen. When it does, it is confusing and strange, and purposeful. But this was my story and doesn’t mean that it is yours.

Just like those brave women who went before me—who paved the way for me to know I was safe to process and that I was not alone—God continues to redeem my story by being able to share with others who may feel confused or misunderstood. Those who believe there is something at the core of who they are that is broken or wrong. 

As I recently finished up another layer of therapy, my counselor shared a phrase with me that has had an extremely powerful effect on my healing. After sharing stories from my family of origin, of my sexual abuse, and of the over-sexualized culture I grew up in (yes, ALL three), my counselor looked at me, and with much compassion she said, “It’s no wonder!”

The views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are those of the author alone and do not reflect an official position of Pure Desire Ministries, except where expressly stated.