Lust, Pornography, & Divorce

Several years ago, I wrote a blog post titled, “Is Porn Adultery?” that created a bit of a stir and some negative feedback, both when it was first published and also when it was re-posted last year. Many people—primarily spouses who had been betrayed in their marriage—reached out, or commented on social media, that the post was hurtful or even offensive. 

If you were one who happened to reach out or comment, I want to say thank you for your feedback and for having the courage to let your voice be heard. I hear you. Words matter and how they make people feel matters, even if it is not how they were intended. You are helping me learn and grow. I am especially grateful to those who took the time to spell out WHY the post was hurtful to them. You have helped me see my words in a different light and understand where the post went off track. 

If I could summarize the gist of the negative feedback, I would state it this way: my original post left readers feeling that I believe pornography use—no matter how much or how often—is never a biblical basis for divorce since it doesn’t involve physically acting out. Many of you also thought, because I wrote the post as the Executive Director of the ministry, perhaps this is the stance of Pure Desire as well. I can see how you perceived this, and I am sorry. I apologize if, in any way, I sounded like I was rationalizing porn use or justifying bad behavior. I did not mean, in any way, to minimize the pain that non-physical sexual betrayal like lust, pornography, or other forms of erotica of the heart and mind can have in a marriage or any relationship. This was not the intent of the post.

The purpose of this second post is not to defend myself, but to hopefully bring some clarity to this topic of pornography, betrayal, and divorce. In truth, the first post could more accurately have been titled, “In Matthew 5 is Jesus saying specifically that any and all porn use is a justifiable reason for divorce?” But that is a horribly long and unattractive name for a post. I would continue to argue that from the lens of biblical interpretation, this was not Jesus’ intent or purpose in what he said in the Sermon on the Mount. The only reason Jesus gives for divorce in this one place, Matthew 5, is for a physical affair (5:31). My goal in the first post was to caution spouses—male and female—from using this one verse as a proof text to justify divorce any time the other spouse had lusted even once. This one verse in Matthew 5 is insufficient to build on for a biblical approach to divorce. I was watching a few friends go through this exact situation at the time and I hurt for them. 

However, I recognize that ongoing use of pornography, or “affairs of the mind” as it has been called by some, is often a contributing factor to one spouse needing to make very difficult and lasting decisions about the future of their marriage. 

Some of this comes from my own story. For the first 10 years of our marriage, I struggled with pornography. Unlike most who struggle, I didn’t keep this pattern totally hidden but confessed to my wife likely 10-15 times in that timeframe. I was trying desperately to stop, and when I would promise that my most recent relapse was the last time, I meant it. But it never was. After 10 years of this, my wife’s spirit was crushed and her trust in me was so destroyed that she was beginning to disengage. When I tell this story publicly, I have often stated, “She was ready to leave me and she would have been right to do so.” I had broken our vows, I was continuing to hurt her, and I knew it. In our story, though, like in a majority of others, the issue at stake wasn’t only the pornography. As my wife frequently says about that era of our marriage: “It wasn’t just the porn—we could have dealt with that. It was the lying, the cover up, and the feelings of being manipulated that were destroying the marriage.” 

I want to be clear: Yes, pornography is a form of adultery. Just like looking at another person lustfully (Matt. 5:28), Jesus describes viewing porn as a form of adultery.

But—and this is a hard step for some to take—it would be a mistake to then jump to “All forms of adultery are equal and immediate grounds for divorce.” In his article, Porn Use as Grounds for Divorce; How My Opinion Changed, Covenant Eyes author Luke Gilkerson says exactly this under the heading, “Straw-Man Arguments.”

“Bad Argument #2: Porn = Lust = Adultery = Grounds for Divorce…There are a couple major problems with this argument. First, it misapplies Jesus’ own words...Second, to suggest instances of lust provide grounds for divorce is to give nearly any spouse in the world grounds for divorce. This liberalizes Jesus’ position so much it makes Him worse than the Pharisees he was rebuking.” 

I think most Bible-believing Christians would agree that a single instance of lust, or porn use, should not be used as grounds for divorce. Whereas, I believe most of us, if not all, would agree that a single instance of a physical affair does create biblical grounds for a divorce. But between these two issues—one-time porn use and a physical affair—lies an ocean of undefined gray areas, questions and “what about” scenarios. Many of you who replied to my post are somewhere in this very difficult place. The porn use is definitely more than once, and you are also likely experiencing hurt from other behaviors in the marriage, such as lying, gaslighting, neglect, emotional withdrawal, and/or various forms of abuse. All of this is horrible. At what point do these behaviors add up to a biblical reason for divorce?

As a friend of mine in a partner ministry wisely asked, “Would an emotional ‘affair’ be considered adultery and grounds for divorce? Where do we draw the line? There are many types of sexual immorality that may not include physical intercourse. What if the pornography use involved images and videos of assault of minors? Animals? Is that less egregious than a physical affair?” As this friend pointed out, these are complicated topics, and where we draw the lines about divorce is very personal, based on the particulars of each circumstance, and rooted deeply in our beliefs about God and the Bible. 

One standard I have offered to others along these lines is to look beyond the behavior to the attitude of the heart. Many spouses struggling habitually with pornography—without change—are also involved in sin that is 1) persistent, 2) willful, and 3) unrepentant. I refer to an unrepentant person as someone who is unwilling to turn from their sin and walk in a different way. This situation can be an “unimaginable nightmare” for the other spouse. In this case, the biblical grounds for divorce have very little, if anything, to do with pornography alone, and have everything to do with a heart issue. At some point, could or should this person pursue divorce? I think this is a question best answered on a case-by-case basis, with the help of friends and godly advisors, but I believe they would have biblical grounds to consider divorce. 

I believe it would take a whole book to accurately unpack a consistent system of when divorce is biblically justified, and I don’t think this is my role for any of you, especially not in a post. I feel my role is to proclaim a message of hope in Christ and to build a ministry that helps individuals and couples heal. God’s heart is for the restoration of relationships, and this is our primary focus at Pure Desire. At the same time, restoration in a relationship takes two people, and both parties may not be equally committed to that restoration. 

With this in mind, let me give you five take-aways I have had from this whole conversation with all of you:

1. To the struggling spouse: make no excuses.

If you are the one struggling with lust, fantasy, or pornography you need to humbly accept that you are participating in a behavior Jesus calls adultery. Go back and read the first post. My whole point was to say to you—the struggler—that in Matthew 5 Jesus is calling us to take lustful thoughts just as seriously now as God will in eternal judgment. While Jesus may not intend for you to literally “gouge out your eyes,” he IS literally saying to take your struggle this seriously and to lean on Christ as your only way of being made righteous. 

If you ever hear yourself saying any of the following, either out loud or in your own private thoughts, this ought to be a warning light as big as the Empire State Building that you are deep into the excuses:

• “Well, at least it’s not…”
• “What I’m doing isn’t as bad as…”
• “Compared to others, my behavior is not a big deal because…”

No, no, and no. Your personal integrity, or lack thereof, is a big deal. So make no excuses and take your recovery very seriously. This is ultimately what your spouse wants to see—a humility that says, “I get it. I recognize how grievous my sin is to God and how hurtful it is to you, and I am going to do anything in my power to change and heal.” And then, go and put your money where your mouth is and do whatever it takes to get free.

2. Keep in mind that the whole teaching of the Bible presents divorce as a final outcome, not a first step.

Regardless of where you stand personally or theologically on what constitutes biblical grounds for divorce, I hope we can all agree on this statement. The focus of Scripture—both the Old and New Testament—is a marriage relationship built on commitment, fidelity, and the ultimate redemption of all relationships in Christ. To dissolve this oneness created by God in marriage is something we should do slowly, carefully, and prayerfully. So whether you are the spouse who is struggling with your sin, and thinking that giving up and giving in would be easier, or if you are the spouse who is deeply wounded and betrayed, choose to see divorce as the last option after all others have been exhausted. 

A healthy marriage does take two, but I have also seen numerous marriages survive on the faith of just one. At what point does the one who is trying to work on the marriage—or suffering in an abusive situation—need to make a permanent change? Read on!

3. Either way, pursue ample amounts of good advice.

Every situation is unique and personal. For anyone to make a blanket statement about what constitutes the end of a marriage would be foolhardy. Certainly, there are situations where the extent of the abuse or the severity of what’s happened make divorce a necessary next step. But how can we know if this is our situation or if perhaps we have given up hope too soon? The book of Proverbs tells us, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” When we go to people we know, who we trust to point us toward Jesus, we can see our situation with greater clarity. 

A divorce has long term consequences on the whole family and the impact can be felt for generations. Why would we ever take this step simply because our heart says, I’m done? When other godly advisors around us confirm the wisdom of what we see, then we can know with greater assurance that we are on the right path.

4. If you are in the middle of pain, proceed slowly!

The reality is that pain makes us myopic. We become laser-focused on the cause of pain and we will want to do whatever is necessary to get rid of the pain. This is human nature and a normal desire. But sometimes, in our desire to stop the pain, we can cause greater problems or irreparable damage. Or we might miss some outside, helpful perspectives. Because of this, if we are in deep relational pain, we need to explore other means of finding health and safety first, so that the intense pain can subside. Then, from a place of greater emotional and spiritual health and clarity, we can make long-term decisions with true wisdom. 

This is why, in many cases, a therapeutic separation or even a season for married couples to cohabitate in separate bedrooms can provide enough space for alternative and more hopeful steps to be considered.

5. If you make the decision to divorce, continue to work on your health and recovery.

While a divorce may be necessary in some cases, and help to create the boundaries and safety you need, a divorce will not make you whole. While you may finally have some firm footing to begin moving forward, you will need the help and support of others who have walked through this door and found hope on the other side. You are likely still reeling from the trauma you’ve experienced, so I hope you will find a safe landing spot to keep working on you. “The big problem” may be out of your life, but left behind will be a multitude of smaller triggers, pain points, and shame messages. Prioritize your health for a season—for as long as it takes—to become healthy and whole in your sense of worth and identity before God and others. This will set you up for whatever comes next—whether a new relationship or a new lifestyle of singleness.

The bottom line is that lust and pornography in ANY amount undermines a faithful marriage. Determining when it has so eroded the relationship that divorce is a necessary option is a complicated process requiring much discernment, community, and prayer. 

My prayer for you is that if you or someone you love is asking themselves some of these very hard questions that you will have hope: hope either in the resurrection of the marriage or hope in God’s good plans even after the marriage ends. Hope keeps us alive and takes us continually back to the One who is Himself our hope.

The views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are those of the author alone and do not reflect an official position of Pure Desire Ministries, except where expressly stated.