Facing My Fears as a Mother

As my recovery journey began, my mind was focused on the present and near future. I was figuring out what the heck sex addiction was and how to be the wife of a recovering sex addict. The future was too scary to think about. One thing I “knew” for sure though: I was not having any kids. In fact, this topic was something I had to address with my boyfriend as things were getting serious between us. The last thing I wanted was to potentially have marital problems in the future because he wanted kids and I didn’t. I would much rather have my heart broken now than to have conflict in the future for something that could be avoided. He was on the same page as me. Or so I thought… (I’ll come back to this in a bit).

We got married and started getting professional counseling for his addiction. Lo and behold, I was stunned to realize I too had been a love and sex addict for years. It was now a holistic recovery process for me. Yikes! This was the beginning of tangible healing and growth that needed to take place in my life. Feeling the triggers come up as the spouse of an addict and then seeing how it triggered my own addiction was a hectic and painful internal process. I didn’t have a community or support group to rely on. I was on my own. 

A couple of years into our counseling process, my husband brought up the topic of having children. You know, the topic we had agreed on and were very clear on. I felt sick to my stomach as he shared where he was at. Something along the lines of, “The longer I am married to you and the longer we go through this recovery process, the more I see God’s grace, love, and redemption in our lives. Having kids could only be the continuation of that.” I was sick to my stomach. In part, because we had talked about this! And in part, because I couldn’t agree more with him. 

So, with these two pieces of my story, I want to share some of the things I’ve learned in my journey toward health.

Facing my fears.

This was one of the biggest steps for me. To lean into the discomfort and uncertainty of life itself. More so in regards to having children. Something I was 100% sure I didn’t want. I spent six months praying and being opened to God changing my heart, if this was the path for me. It was. And I was terrified. Learning how to communicate my fear and face it in a healthier way was hard!  

I had to ask myself why I felt this way? What was I fearing would happen or not happen? Though the easy answer was the loss of my independence, the deeper answer to these questions was that I was afraid to fail. I was afraid to not be loved by my children. I was afraid I would hurt them horribly, because it’s inevitable that we as humans will mess up our kids in one or another and why would I put myself in this position? Truth is, the fear I had to face was myself. And use this as a means to grow healthier, to be self-aware, to be vulnerable, and to surround myself with people who would walk alongside me. 

Moving toward self.

This is not a fun thing to do. Turning inward. Learning how to have an objective perspective on self in order to connect the dots between our thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and feelings. It’s hard work. It requires support. 

First, I had to take the risk to be honest with myself, own up to what I needed to own up to, and create practical things to do toward change and growth. 

Second, invite my husband to support me in this process and enlist him in calling me out on the areas or behaviors I was working on. 

Third, put all of this new learning toward my relationships with others. Taking the risk to let those who are closer to me see me and face the fear of not having control of their response (aka the future of that relationship). Especially when I knew that this third step was a segue to the fourth one. 

Fourth, face myself as a mother. This is one of the most important places that would feel the impact of my choices. My children, whom I have a desire and innate duty to help and guide in the formation of their core beliefs, behaviors, and feelings.

Leaning toward others.

I had heard the term “growing pains” many times, and yet it wasn’t until I started the recovery process and having children that this statement hit home. It hurts to grow. It hurts to look back in order to understand the present and change the future. It hurts to be honest. It hurts to be vulnerable. It hurts to take risks. It hurts to lean toward others, let them see who you really are, where you’re broken, and welcome them into that space. 

And yet, if I hadn’t leaned in toward others, toward my husband, toward my children, and toward my closest friends, I would not be writing this blog. I would simply be moving through life confused, hurt, lonely, and unaware of the impact my behaviors have on myself and others. I would be perpetuating the brokenness in this sick society we live in.

As a recovering love and sex addict, as a wife (of a recovering sex addict), as a clinician, as a pastor, as a friend, as a daughter, and as a mother, I choose to not move through life focused or leaning toward the outward. It all starts with an inward look and never-ending hard work on self. Take risks. Surround yourself with people who are intentional in their healing and growth. Seek professional help. Have grace toward yourself and others. 

We all deserve to live a life that feels wholesome and yet that’s not free. We have to work for it. The divine design is a social one. We’re not meant to be alone; we need others and others need us. Be an active participant in this model of living.

The views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are those of the author alone and do not reflect an official position of Pure Desire Ministries, except where expressly stated.