Do I Need a Group if I'm in PD Counseling?

Individual counseling and the group process go hand-in-hand in working the recovery journey. Recovery is a journey of intimate knowing. Knowing yourself is a requirement of maturity as you set limits on thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

I am excited whenever someone seeks individual help because I am like the parent in the deep end of the pool encouraging them to jump in. Pure Desire is a deep end ministry. Not in a sink or swim sort of way, but like a loving father, holding space in the deep end waiting for you to override your fears and jump in surrendering to the process of change. Learning to trust the ministry of the Holy Spirit as He comforts, guides, and educates you on your personal relationship with Jesus.

I often require my clients to be in a group. Some may have just finished a group experience but are staying connected to their group members for support. In such cases, I help them stay connected making sure they have support (someone to talk to about what they are processing through). If they have no other support, I ask them to join a new group. I love it when they report back that being in a group together with counseling has changed the dynamics of their restoration. How so?

Here is what I have experienced in more than 30 years of recovery and during the past 10 years of being a clinician at Pure Desire.

Being in a group while in individual counseling:

Increases your chances of restoration by providing honest accountability.

Denial is one of the most difficult hurdles to deal with in recovery. It is not enough to admit you have an addiction and are powerless over it. With betrayal trauma, it is very difficult to realize that you cannot look to your spouse at this time for your security. We need to own our stories and speak the truth to ourselves and others. 

In the early years of my recovery, we did not have individual counseling sessions readily available for sex, love, and porn addiction. We barely understood betrayal trauma. We only had groups of healed healers, many with barely one year of group experience. We mostly learned together how to conquer our addiction to love, sex, and relationships. Those with betrayal trauma clung together for support while their spouses worked out their recovery. We leaned on each other and spoke truth to one another correcting faulty thinking. 

My distorted thought was that “I couldn’t love anyone.” I began dating Harry when I was leading For Women Only groups (now Betrayal & Beyond) at East Hill Church. In those early years, God had to nearly audibly tell me that I was to marry Harry. Otherwise I am sure I would have not risked a relationship out of fear. I am reasonably certain that without the accountability of that group of brave ladies in my early years, that I would not have made it to marriage. They told me, “Yes, indeed you can love, because you love us, and God first loved you.” 

Your group members can help you filter your processes and correct any distorted thoughts. Increasing your ability to challenge and change your limbic system by openly discussing your thoughts and feelings and getting honest feedback is a restoration changer.

Builds resilience to shame.

Groups create an “I am not alone” experience. We learn to say out loud what is hidden. Pure Desire groups are intended to provide a safe place to be open and honest not only with our coping behaviors, but also our trauma, heartaches, and losses. We need to experience what it is like to not be judged for our feelings and experiences. We need compassionate fair witnesses to the pain we endured. 

Counseling has a way of uncovering pain and shame from our childhood. Or the shame we feel being married to someone who has betrayed us sexually. At the same time, we need to experience the joys of making it one more day without acting out. This type of openness dispels the darkness. In my early years of recovery, shame kept me in a secret group. I received pastoral counseling early on while I was leading groups. This counseling helped me understand where this shame comes from and how the Holy Spirit wanted to comfort me in the distress of relapses. In our “secret” group we clung to each other for dear life and found a sense of community that we were not alone. Finally, as I built a resiliency to shame, I was able to talk more openly about my struggles, helping others find the same resiliency.

Creates a sense of community, a place of belonging.

One of our deepest core needs is a sense of belonging. The sense of connecting to others and feeling a part of a community was created in us by God, our creator. Our family of origin is the first place where this need is to get met through nurturing, affirmation, and discipline. How our mother and father interacted with us was to instill in us a deep awareness that we are valuable and worthy of love and belonging. However, if we were not nurtured and affirmed, we most likely exited childhood with a deep sense of loss. Our low self-esteem or self-perception most likely has left a deep wound making it difficult to have functional relationships. Our addiction and pain left us looking to the outside for relief. 

The pain of this unmet need is most likely what your addiction is medicating. Your group is in the unique position to help you gain a sense of belonging, thus giving you hope to risk in a relationship with God and others to fill this void. Remember that early lesson in The Genesis Process: “...stop waiting for someone else to change in order for you to be OK” is where our journey of recovery starts. Otherwise, we remain stuck in our pain, anxiety, and addiction waiting for those around us to get help or treat us better. None of which we can control. When we risk the story of our pain, anxiety, and heartache in a group, we are rewiring our brain to learn to trust others. 

During counseling a lot of feelings around your family relationships come up. Groups provide support during this time as you find compassionate fair witnesses to what you have been through.

Provides an opportunity to find significance.

In a group setting, you receive validation and experience that your story matters to others. Most people in recovery have a trauma story. We must find a fair witness to the wounds that were done to us and the wounds we have inflicted on others. These wounds may remain a struggle to this day. As you tell your story, you can find empathy and understanding which is healing to your soul. These fair witnesses can help you bear the burden of being sinned against.

I have been helping men and women restore their life stories for nearly 10 years at Pure Desire. Those who are a part of a group do well because they have support when things get tough. Your partner may not be the right and/or appropriate person to share some of the processes you are working on. When a person is in counseling, a lot of hidden woundedness is uncovered. Group provides support as the story is retold. What happened to you in the past matters to God. Your history is significant to your relationship with God as it shapes how you feel about your value. 

God is more than our authority. He is the Loving Father many of us never had. 

Your fair witnesses can listen to your story and grieve with you as you process the pain with the Holy Spirit. As you grow in your ability to empathize with others, you grow yourself up into maturity.

Trains your brain to be trustworthy.

How? When you are reliable to show up, are open to feedback (being humble), and take the courageous steps to choose integrity, you are slowly training your neural pathways to risk vulnerability; the one requirement for a healthy relationship. 

Consider what it means to be a trustworthy group member:

• Boundaries: not fixing or advice giving
• Accountable: quick to make amends when you mess up
• Reliable: show up with lesson done
• Non judgmental: monitoring your thoughts while others are talking.

Practice these elements so others will experience you as trustworthy.

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Whether you choose to enter into individual counseling or not, finding a group where you fit is vitally important to your journey of intimate knowing—knowing yourself.  

And, if the opportunity presents itself, participating in counseling and the group experience will lead you to a deeper level of recovery and healing.

What are you waiting for?

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Michael Dye, The Genesis Process: For Change Groups, Book 1 and 2, Individual Workbook (Auburn, Michael Dye, 2012), 19.

The views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are those of the author alone and do not reflect an official position of Pure Desire Ministries, except where expressly stated.