Harold

At the age of fourteen I was molested by a priest at the church where I was an altar boy. Shortly after this I started masturbating which only reinforced the feeling that there was something wrong with me. At sixteen I had my first sexual experience with a girl. This was something that made me feel good and something I needed more of so I had to find a way to continue to get that high. Around eighteen I started using prostitutes - I had to have sex and got it as often as my money or time would allow.

All this time I was attending East Hill, but no one knew about my secret life. Even the fear of being caught was not enough for me to change my ways. And at this time my self worth was not even in existence. All I knew was I was feeling unloved and sex gave me the feeling that I was loved even if I had to pay someone for that feeling. That same summer, I offered a woman on the sidewalk a ride and she accepted. I made some advances towards her, but she just looked at me like I was a weirdo. I got angry; all the feelings of being rejected by girls in high school and the few years following were now being tapped and rage took over.

I drove up to a secluded part of a park and raped her and I was caught and sentenced to five years probation on the condition that I could get into the Sex Offender Treatment program at the Oregon State Hospital. My attorney had two weeks to get me in or it was nine years in prison for me.

I did get in, even though there was a year waiting list, and I spent fifteen months in there learning how to control my behavior but not really dealing with the underlying emotional problems. After being released from the program, I attended an outpatient program, where twenty-five to thirty men would meet to discuss problems they were having in dealing with life. These problems could be anything from everyday hassles to how not to act out on sexual impulses. The fear of staying out of prison was enough for me to walk the straight and narrow, at least at first. Then I started not sharing little problems I was having, normal everyday problems, which only made it easier to not share serious issues that arose. This choice of not sharing meant I had feelings that were not getting dealt with.

I started picking up prostitutes again. In 1987 I picked up a girl who was hitchhiking and we had sex in my car. Then I then found out she was only fifteen. Thank God I got caught, and I was arrested again. Before I was sentenced, I started seeing a psychologist for help. He was the former head of the treatment program that I had been in before. The judge gave me probation under the condition that I continue counseling.

For the first few years, I was in one-on-one therapy then I joined group therapy. This group was made up of guys struggling with the same issues - sex, very low self esteem and not knowing how to express feelings appropriately. This was my first glimmer of hope. These guys knew what I was struggling with and they knew when I was lying. It was here that I first dealt with the truth of who I was and what I was feeling. I was starting to do better, but I still had a problem dealing with pain. Pain was something that was hard for me to recognize, let alone deal with, but through it all I sensed that God was there with me and had not abandoned me.

One of the big hurdles I had to overcome was forgiveness. After one service I went up to pray with the altar team and the pastor had me extend forgiveness to the priest who abused me, then my dad, and then my mom. Extending forgiveness wasn’t really about the people I forgave, but was for releasing me from the judgments I was holding them to.

When Pastor Ted mentioned he was going to start For Men Only groups for men who were struggling with sexual addictions, I knew I had to be a part of that. Those groups were similar to the therapy group I was in, but with one difference. In the FMO groups we not only dealt with sexual issues and problems, but we had the opportunity to invite God into the equation. Trying this on man’s strength alone was not an option for me - I needed God to give me strength to overcome. I inquired and was allowed to be a coordinator to help other men get free from this bondage.

I have been involved with different FMO groups for many years and taken several other classes at East Hill which taught me that acting out was only a symptom of what was actually going on inside me - I was avoiding pain. Not dealing with the pain in my life in a healthy manner creates havoc and I will make un-healthy choices that will only lead to crippling me more.

I have also been in different accountability groups over the years. Without those, I would be a sitting duck for the enemy so I am very thankful for those men. Accountability has helped me face issues that I might choose not to face, and to encourage me in the progress that I am making. I need both in my life, both correction and rejoicing in victories. I don’t think God would have it any other way.

For so many years this has haunted me and the enemy has constantly accused me, saying this is who I am and how I will always be. I have struggled with rejection for most of my life, wondering if people will accept me when they know my past or will they see me and not just the horrible things I have done. This fear is so huge that I don’t really know how to face it sometimes. It has been like two chains around my ankles with huge iron balls on the ends. I would try to run to what God was calling me to, but I always felt weighed down and would lose my strength and sometimes give up completely.

But God is showing me that what I have done in the past does not define who I am. The only thing that defines who I am is how God sees me. God showed me that He has broken off the chains that bind me, in fact they have been broken for sometime now, but I had believed the lies from the enemy that I was still bound. God also showed me that those chains that once bound me are now going to be weapons of warfare that would be used against the enemy’s schemes. And now I can run in the Spirit freely as I was created to do. I am starting to come to the conclusion that if God believes in me and sees who He is creating me to be, then it is about time I start aligning my thoughts and feelings about myself with God’s.

    DESIGNED BY PLAINJOE STUDIOS © 2008 PURE DESIRE     


E-Newsletter Signup home contact us site map Home What is Pure Desire Sexy Christians Media Team Members Store Conferences Resources How do I start a Pure Desire study group? How do I start a Pure Desire ministry in my church? Order a Pure Desire Starter Kit!