Gary

I was raised in a family that seemed normal to me at the time and I became a Christian when I was ten years old. Now I realize my family was quite dysfunctional, even though I was never physically abused or brow-beaten. My mother and father were married for 62 years but, since my father was a passive man who never showed much emotion, he was never able to meet my mother’s emotional needs. Even though they became Christians, he never took spiritual leadership but, instead, forced that role on my mother. She had grown up in a home where her father was emotionally abusive and unloving to her mother, so, by her acceptance of my father’s behavior, the problem was perpetuated.

My dad never sat down with me to talk about the aspects of life and character as a father should so, as a result, I never communicated my feelings or thoughts with him. Since I was not an outgoing person by nature, his treatment of me only served to further my isolation into a self-centered world. My ideas of intimate relationships with anyone had to be fueled by the movies or by fantasizing over pictures of pretty actresses in movie magazines.

No one had ever told me about masturbation but I discovered it accidentally at age eighteen while I was fantasizing. I was introduced to pornography when a friend of mine told me about a dirty magazine store downtown. I was a Christian and was well aware that this was the wrong way to satisfy my sexual desires, but I did not seem to be able to stop myself. I tried praying, will power, going up to church altars and reading the Bible but none of these practices helped me to break free of my sexual bondage or my secret life of shameful behavior.

I was unable to form any type of healthy relationship in either high school or college and I believe that was because I was never shown a role model of what such a relationship should look like. Unfortunately, my past home life continued to influence my behavior in a negative way.

I spent some time at college in Indiana and then moved to Pennsylvania with my roommate where I lived for five years teaching at a Christian school. During that time I became involved with two little girls on two separate occasions and, even though I did not have sex with them, I still used them to satisfy my lustful desires. This left me feeling so guilty that I decided to confine my search for sexual satisfaction to pornography alone, thinking this would hurt no one but myself.

Once I had returned to Oregon, I became involved with a church, was filled with the Holy Spirit and was looked up to as a spiritual person but I was still unable to break the bondage that held me captive.

Eventually, I got married, bought a home, raised three kids, became a church leader and held a decent job. But all of this time I was leading a secret life consisting of purchasing porn magazines and masturbating. Of course, this meant that I was never able to relate to my wife emotionally or to meet her spiritual needs, nor did I ever become close to my kids. I was very self-centered and was not able to develop any kind of intimacy with the Lord. I had no prayer life to speak of, Bible study schedule or ability to selflessly serve others. I wanted these desperately but instead my sins opened the door for the enemy to fill me with confusion, denial, and hypocrisy.

After 28 years of marriage, God mercifully allowed my secret to be revealed. Needless to say, my wife and kids were devastated. There is no way to describe the pain that my family and I have experienced over the past five years. I have lost relationships with my wife (we are divorced), my kids and my grandkids. But through this revelation, I was able to go to counseling and was pointed to East Hill Church and their Pure Desire ministry to help me find accountability, healing and restoration.

As a result of turning in the right direction, I am no longer under the bondage of pornography and I have been released from the shame that has ruled my life. God has given me a relationship with Himself that I never dreamed I could have. I believe He will eventually restore those lost years as I continue to seek Him with my whole heart and learn daily what an intimate relationship with Him is like and with like-minded people in His church.

Probably the most important thing I have learned is that I cannot make it on my own. Jesus knew this and that is why the scriptures talk so much about encouraging each other. As we press in to consistently focusing on our relationship with Him, He will take us to breakthroughs and victories in our lives we never thought possible. Pure Desire Ministry is much more than just about healing, it is definitely about discipleship as well.

    DESIGNED BY PLAINJOE STUDIOS © 2010 PURE DESIRE     


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