Pure Desire Ministries International

It is my pleasure to share in the work of the Pure Desire Ministry Team the practical application and “First Steps” process of a Pure Desire Men's impact group in the local church. It is a blessing to share this plan that is specific to the Christian church whether large or small, city or country; denomination or affiliation not withstanding. It is my humble belief that choosing to begin this ministry in your church will have a significant impact not only on your home church but also the entire church community in your area.

My background is a simple one, with an intact nuclear family of Dad, Mom, and two younger sisters. We were raised in the Midwest in what would be described as a typical middle class family. I attended church on Sunday and followed the path of Christian education programs throughout my early teens; joining the local Presbyterian Church about the same time I entered into my life as a sexual addict. My first exposure to pornography and self sex coincided with and during puberty at thirteen years of age. The downward slide from normal curiosity to sexual addict was, unfortunately, not a gradual one. By the time I was seventeen, sexual activities were the primary thought of my every day… grades, schoolwork, and friends all took a back seat as did the Lord. I knew Him and would have called Him Savior but He held absolutely no relevance in decisions about my life or daily behavior. 

From there it was on to college and then a career in sales and marketing. With very little mentoring and a deep selfish desire for my own pleasures it was easy to buy into Satan’s great lie of “marriage will fix everything” at age twenty-seven. By that time I was, by worldly standards, a successful young businessman desiring what seemed to me to be the better life. Instead, my addiction became much worse inside the marriage. And I now had a wife and soon a son who would eventually be irreparably harmed by my sexual acting out. I learned the hard way that when intimacy is inextricably linked to orgasm in a young man’s brain, intimacy with a wife would become an impossible task. Unfortunately, I was unable to either understand or even consider this at the time. 

Pornography, acting out, and extra marital affairs were part of a secret life. A double life with all the trappings of success… a terrific son and wife, wonderful home, cars, boat, and material goods galore. On the outside, “looking good” but a life devoid of moral boundaries on the inside. In 1989 I was ‘born again’ into a life with Jesus Christ and my recovery from sexual addiction began in earnest. Again and unfortunately, due to my continued abusive selfish behavior and the pain of betrayal I brought to my wife and family, we were separated in 1994 and divorced in 1995. 

In 1996 I formally dated and re-married a “Proverbs 31” lady and turned immediately toward a more rigorous program of accountability and study of His Word. Genuine long term sobriety from my addiction along with a new level of recovery came in 1998 and 1999. Being part of a local church with pastoral and professional counseling in place was a key to my new found health. Soon thereafter, I began to speak and teach at churches on sexual addiction as a lay minister to men. In 2002 I met Dr. Ted Roberts and the Pure Desire Team for the first time. Within hours of their first seminar presentation I called my wife and shared that I had found the ministry to which I believed I would devote my life. 

After a season of fasting and prayer in the fall of 2002 my wife and I flew from our home in New Hampshire to Oregon to visit Pastor Ted and his church. I attended my first FMO group, while my wife learned more about FWO. In January of 2003 we started a new ministry under the authority of our home church in Bedford, NH called The Nathan Project. That birthed the first of what are soon to be tewnty plus FMO groups in NH, VT, ME and MA, the majority growing out of that first group. My wife also began her first FWO, For Women Only group – Healing the Betrayed Heart for the wives of men who struggle with sexual addiction which is now a forty weeks a year three group program in Southern NH and MA. 

In 2004 pureHOPE Ministries (formerly: The National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families) invited me to join their organization as the Executive Director for New England allowing me to engage in full time ministry not only to help build FMO’s and work with the issue of sexual addiction but also to work with individual churches and youth on the overarching issue of sexual purity in a fast declining 21st century church. The Coalition leadership thus paved the way for the expansion of the FMO program and The Nathan Project in New England. In the fall of 2005 the National Coalition became a Covenant Partner with East Hill Church and Pure Desire Ministries in a formal agreement with the express intent of building FMO and FWO groups across the nation. 

Needless to say yet very necessary to mention; I have been terrifically blessed to be a part of two excellent and thriving ministries serving the body of Christ in this most significant work. 

With their support I continue to grow with personal passion in my capacity with the Nathan Project, as I no longer a part of The Coalition (Pure Hope) which has downsized its offices around the country.  It is exciting to look forward to the growth of our partnership with the Pure Desire Ministry! 

Last and first at the same time, it is to God’s glory and by His great grace that I am allowed to minister, alongside my wife and ministry partner, to the men, women, and families in bondage to the enemy through this sin called sexual addiction. God bless. 


I know my parents loved me. I am so grateful I had parents who wanted the best for me. But they often did not know how to nurture me in healthy ways. 

My parents called themselves West Virginia hillbillies. They had migrated to Portland in 1953 when I was two. My father was an outgoing and social fellow who enjoyed being around people but hated conflict and confrontations. He did a good job of avoiding this by being a traveling salesman. He was gone three weeks out of four every month till I was seven years old. 

With my father being gone so much, my mother was left to her own devices in parenting my younger sister and I. My mother learned to parent with no extended family around. Unfortunately, Mom discovered that shaming words got what she wanted - behavioral compliance. It wasn't that she called me bad names, rather she made me feel inadequate. I felt incompetent. 

My first memory of shame was when I was about four years old. For some reason I wet my pants. My mom got very angry and put diapers on me. She then physically forced me outside of our apartment, which was right in front of the playground where my friends were playing. I loved my mother and she was angry with me. I liked my friends and they laughed at me. 

The message was clear: something is wrong with me. I'm damaged goods. 

I had a cousin, who is four years older than I am. My mother often stated, "Why can't you be like your cousin, Billy?" Bill was valedictorian of his high school class, a three sport high school all state athlete, president of his youth group, handsome, and on top of it all, a genuinely nice guy. I didn't realize that it was unfair to be compared with Billy. I thought it was just more proof of my failings. 

I remember one day, when there had been conflict between my mother and I, Dad came to my room and said, "Son, your mother and sister are always butting heads, and I need you to be the compliant one." 

There was my role in the family. Don’t make waves. Don't have problems. Just do what I'm told. I felt I was on my own and feared my faults being exposed. My low self esteem led to superficial relationships with both family and friends. 

By this time, I had discovered my father’s stash of pornography, which led to masturbation. This was a "safe" way to medicate my problems in private. This was the beginning of my sexual addiction. 

When I finished college, I got married and became a Christian. I knew that masturbation was not part of the Christian walk so I did my best to control it. My sense of self worth plummeted. I thought if I could become a pastor then I might get the validation I hungered for. 

Since I couldn’t find value in my identity, I would find it through what I did. I hoped that my outside performance would overcome the shortcomings I felt inside. 

But nothing I did gave me the internal fulfillment that would numb my sense of inadequacy. Though I was outwardly successful in pastoring I continued to live a façade, harboring a secret inner life. There was trouble with the marriage, and I felt as though my wife and children didn't need me. 

Eventually I plunged back into masturbation, but soon that was not enough to medicate the pain. Eventually I had several encounters with women in the church. Three of those were long term affairs. 

I was now a full-fledged hypocrite leading an evil secret life. I read books on addiction and healing, but could not do the one thing to bring about healing. I could not openly confess my sin. My tormenting inner voice told me that I would lose my wife, my children, my career, and my friends. My life would be over. 

Thankfully, God intervened through my oldest son. He knew something was terribly wrong with the family and he didn't know what it was. He asked God to reveal it to him before he left for college. Three months later, September 20, 1993 he overheard a conversation that revealed everything. 

He faithfully told his mother. 

That evening when she got off work she came to the church office and angrily confronted me, telling me that she was divorcing me among other truthful and painful statements. 

My shame had been exposed. I sat in the church office and cried for hours. Then, upon my wife’s demand, I went home and confessed to my children. I can still hear their tearful pleading voices, “Why did you do it, Dad? Why?” 

I had no answers. My ruin was complete. The prophetic voices of shame were now fulfilled. I had lost my family, friends, and a career because of my betrayal. I imagined myself sleeping under bridges and going from rescue mission to rescue mission. My life was over. 

Can you imagine at forty-three years old calling up your parents, confessing such horrid sin, and asking them if you could move back home? I saw no other choice, and it was humiliating. 

But there was hope that I could not yet see. It was East Hill Church. I had first met Ted in the early eighties, and from a distance followed his work. I had heard he was starting a group for men with sexual issues. Foursquare graciously allowed me to attend East Hill. 

I met with Ted, who completely blew me away. As expected he did not minimize my sin. Yet to my great surprise he did not minimize me. He sent me to counsel with Scot Oja and after a month, told me it was time to get involved with a small group. I was frightened; but not for the reason you think. 

You see for the first several services at East Hill I had just three goals. Repent for my sins, hear Ted’s teaching, and avoid anyone I knew. I would purposely show up late and sit in the most inconspicuous spot I could find. But by the time each of those services ended someone was sitting within ten feet of me that I had pastored. The story was always the same. 

“Pastor Harry, what are you doing here?” 

I was purposefully late to my first small group fearing another encounter, and I looked to see who was present, and I did not recognize anyone except Scot. I was grateful. I came in, sat down, and observed the meeting for about fifteen minutes when someone burst into the room apologizing for being late. He stopped in mid sentence and looked at me and said, “Pastor Harry, what are you doing here?” 

The message was clear even to me. No more hiding, no more secrets. I came to learn through the men of my small group that God exposed my sin and secrecy not to reject and despise me as shame had taught, but rather He exposed my sin so He could show me His outrageous love. God has restored my life “exceedingly abundantly above all that I could ask or even think.” I am living proof of God’s restoring love and I am eternally grateful.

(Mom) Sixteen years ago we learned that Rich had been sexually abused by a family member at the age of four. That explained his anger growing up and his increased involvement with pornography. In his teens he sexually abused a family member. This disclosure would change our lives drastically. Rich was great at hiding behind his stature (6’5”). He could put on a smile and say that everything was great, and people would believe him. He knew he was not being honest, but his life was spinning out of control. 

(Rich) When I was four I was sexually abused. Growing up I tried to forget it, but could not. As I got older I wanted many times to disclose this, but always stopped short of telling the secret. I was ashamed and scared. As I got older I started to excel in sports, and it became clear this was a way I could deal with all the pain. When I was pitching no one could touch me, I had control. At least that was what I told myself. I started struggling with fantasies in the 7th and 8th grade. When I was a freshman in high school it was extremely hard. I was struggling, sexually. Eventually, I did the same thing that was done to me. I abused a family member. I was not sure what to think after it happened. I remember feeling extremely scared, nervous, and ashamed, but my fantasy life was out of control. It had more power over me than doing the right thing. I kept telling myself I needed help. I knew what they did to people like me. I wore a mask so no one could see the real me and I continued living in fear and shame. When I confessed I was relieved and anxious. I wanted to run but knew I needed to stay, and go through the consequences that would eventually come. 

(Mom) I felt like God was very far away. The more I prayed, the more the enemy tried to convince me it would never change. I remember my husband saying that hell wanted our family. That despair was the tool of the enemy and we would win this battle because God was on our side. I wanted to believe but felt only emptiness. I was battle weary. The future was so uncertain. I didn’t want to face the fact what people would be saying about my son. I was so filled with anger and shame, not only towards Rich, but with myself. I felt like I must have missed seeing warning signs. I felt the sorrow of watching the victim go through difficult times of healing and counseling and the family trying to deal with the up and down emotional roller coaster. We started going through the stages of grieving. Even though it didn’t feel like it, the healing process was beginning. God blessed us with a strong support system that has been with us through this journey of healing. They have prayed for our family from the very beginning and have been Rich’s support team also. There were times we didn’t know where to turn, but God always provided someone to stand with us to give us strength when we couldn’t take another step. 

(Rich) I spent ten years on probation, going through numerous evaluations, outpatient counseling, and polygraphs. I had supervision and learned how to be accountable for each step of my life. I no longer have a secret life. I am an open book to my FMO group, my wife, my church family, and family. It goes without saying that this wasn’t easy. I went through a divorce, and had supervised visitations with my children at my parent’s home. I wasn't able to coach sports anymore. If I went anyplace where there were children I always had to have a supervisor with me. But with the restrictions God has blessed me. He brought me a new wife that genuinely loves me after knowing all my stuff. I have worked extremely hard to restore my relationship with my family, and being the kind of father my children can be proud of. During this time God began to reveal his plan for me. I continued getting personal counseling outside of East Hill Church and started in a For Men Only group. I have been in an FMO group for years, and now I am co-leading a group. The most important thing I have learned is to be transparent. It opened the door for the Holy Spirit to move in my life, and to be able to help others. When I have shared in FMO I think, “Man, this could be risky,” then I realize I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You see, God saw something in me all along. He never gave up on me, even when I felt like a nobody. 

(Mom) The pain of walking through the healing process has been difficult, not only for Rich, but for the victim as well, and the family. I have seen and felt the extreme pain, but have also witnessed the miracles. The miracle of Rich having a new wife who would support him through this difficult time and bring a peace to his life he never had. Seeing the miracle of what forgiveness can do in our family. Rich’s relationship with the victim restored, and family members as well. I know our family will never be what it once was, but I also know what the enemy meant to destroy us with, God uses and will continue to use for His Glory. We are stronger today because we have gone through the difficult storms and allowed God to change all of us. Rich and I have been strengthened as we minister to others who are walking where our family continues to walk in regards to sexual addiction. We see the miracle and tremendous hope of what God has done and continues to do. Being able to encourage others is walking in that healing. We have been to the depths of despair, but we have seen God change our lives and our hearts. It is not only Rich who has changed, but all of us. Rich are I share the same passion for the Pure Desire Ministry for sexual addiction. We didn’t realize how prophetic 2 Cor.1-4 (Msg) would be for us: “He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.” We have experienced that comfort first hand and have been able to comfort others as the Lord has placed us in this ministry. 

(Rich) Mom and I are risking all to stand here and share with you, but we know God has called us in this ministry. Because of men like Pastor Harry Flanagan who have spoken into my life, I have grasped what God says about me has been true all along. I am forgiven and it is by His grace that I am up here speaking to you. Harry once told me I was a hero. Hearing that brought tears to my eyes, because I never felt that way. See, Harry spoke into my life like so many others have over the years, but it was then that God brought me to an understanding. I had to walk through the consequences of my actions, but God was by my side the entire time. I know I have not gotten to this place on my own. God has truly done a miracle in our lives. My family’s prayer and support, the victim’s prayers for me, and the awesome men that walked beside me have all encouraged me and have given me hope. We are all warriors who continue to fight side by side everyday. Men all around the world are fighting a battle they can’t fight alone. 2 Chronicles 20:15 The Lord says, “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” We may not fight an enemy army but every day we battle temptation and the pressures from this world. As men, we have to get together and train for the battle. Thank you Pastor Ted Roberts for being such a great leader. A man who continues to step out in faith, who prays for us, and stands up here week after week and is transparent with his own struggles. I believe the men of East Hill have a unique calling. A commitment to one another and the church to get the help we need. In closing I would like to thank you for giving us this opportunity to share a brief part of who we are. God has spread His grace over me and is washing me clean. I have come far, and continue in the healing that He has for me. I am a new creation in Christ and if you are struggling with sexual addiction, you can be to. Don’t be afraid to become transparent. You have nothing to lose; and everything to gain in HIM. My mother and I thank you. 

 At sixteen I had my first sexual experience with a girl. This was something that made me feel good and something I needed more of so I had to find a way to continue to get that high. Around eighteen I started using prostitutes - I had to have sex and got it as often as my money or time would allow. 

All this time I was attending East Hill, but no one knew about my secret life. Even the fear of being caught was not enough for me to change my ways. And at this time my self worth was not even in existence. All I knew was I was feeling unloved and sex gave me the feeling that I was loved even if I had to pay someone for that feeling. That same summer, I offered a woman on the sidewalk a ride and she accepted. I made some advances towards her, but she just looked at me like I was a weirdo. I got angry; all the feelings of being rejected by girls in high school and the few years following were now being tapped and rage took over. 

I drove up to a secluded part of a park and raped her and I was caught and sentenced to five years probation on the condition that I could get into the Sex Offender Treatment program at the Oregon State Hospital. My attorney had two weeks to get me in or it was nine years in prison for me. 

I did get in, even though there was a year waiting list, and I spent fifteen months in there learning how to control my behavior but not really dealing with the underlying emotional problems. After being released from the program, I attended an outpatient program, where twenty-five to thirty men would meet to discuss problems they were having in dealing with life. These problems could be anything from everyday hassles to how not to act out on sexual impulses. The fear of staying out of prison was enough for me to walk the straight and narrow, at least at first. Then I started not sharing little problems I was having, normal everyday problems, which only made it easier to not share serious issues that arose. This choice of not sharing meant I had feelings that were not getting dealt with. 

I started picking up prostitutes again. In 1987 I picked up a girl who was hitchhiking and we had sex in my car. Then I then found out she was only fifteen. Thank God I got caught, and I was arrested again. Before I was sentenced, I started seeing a psychologist for help. He was the former head of the treatment program that I had been in before. The judge gave me probation under the condition that I continue counseling. 

For the first few years, I was in one-on-one therapy then I joined group therapy. This group was made up of guys struggling with the same issues - sex, very low self esteem and not knowing how to express feelings appropriately. This was my first glimmer of hope. These guys knew what I was struggling with and they knew when I was lying. It was here that I first dealt with the truth of who I was and what I was feeling. I was starting to do better, but I still had a problem dealing with pain. Pain was something that was hard for me to recognize, let alone deal with, but through it all I sensed that God was there with me and had not abandoned me. 

One of the big hurdles I had to overcome was forgiveness. After one service I went up to pray with the altar team and the pastor had me extend forgiveness to the priest who abused me, then my dad, and then my mom. Extending forgiveness wasn’t really about the people I forgave, but was for releasing me from the judgments I was holding them to. 

When Pastor Ted mentioned he was going to start For Men Only groups for men who were struggling with sexual addictions, I knew I had to be a part of that. Those groups were similar to the therapy group I was in, but with one difference. In the FMO groups we not only dealt with sexual issues and problems, but we had the opportunity to invite God into the equation. Trying this on man’s strength alone was not an option for me - I needed God to give me strength to overcome. I inquired and was allowed to be a coordinator to help other men get free from this bondage. 

I have been involved with different FMO groups for many years and taken several other classes at East Hill which taught me that acting out was only a symptom of what was actually going on inside me - I was avoiding pain. Not dealing with the pain in my life in a healthy manner creates havoc and I will make un-healthy choices that will only lead to crippling me more. 

I have also been in different accountability groups over the years. Without those, I would be a sitting duck for the enemy so I am very thankful for those men. Accountability has helped me face issues that I might choose not to face, and to encourage me in the progress that I am making. I need both in my life, both correction and rejoicing in victories. I don’t think God would have it any other way. 

For so many years this has haunted me and the enemy has constantly accused me, saying this is who I am and how I will always be. I have struggled with rejection for most of my life, wondering if people will accept me when they know my past or will they see me and not just the horrible things I have done. This fear is so huge that I don’t really know how to face it sometimes. It has been like two chains around my ankles with huge iron balls on the ends. I would try to run to what God was calling me to, but I always felt weighed down and would lose my strength and sometimes give up completely. 

But God is showing me that what I have done in the past does not define who I am. The only thing that defines who I am is how God sees me. God showed me that He has broken off the chains that bind me, in fact they have been broken for sometime now, but I had believed the lies from the enemy that I was still bound. God also showed me that those chains that once bound me are now going to be weapons of warfare that would be used against the enemy’s schemes. And now I can run in the Spirit freely as I was created to do. I am starting to come to the conclusion that if God believes in me and sees who He is creating me to be, then it is about time I start aligning my thoughts and feelings about myself with God’s.

I want to take this opportunity to thank God, you Pastor Ted, Pure Desire and East Hill Foursquare Church for truly being God’s hands extended to a hurting world! Through this ministry I was able to realize that God truly had forgiven me and had already begun the process of renewing my mind. He knew I would need the five months of Pure Desire and For Men Only that I participated in to prepare me for this time that I’m sentenced to in prison. I’ve been here almost two weeks and I have a peace with God that is hard to explain. God is good! 

I was sentenced to 180 days in a small county jail which has an inmate population of only 50. It’s 80 miles from home so it’s difficult for my wife and son to travel to visit me which makes it very lonely for me. But God is opening up other ways for me to meet people. 

I’m in a cell block with 8 other guys and I’ve been reading a Bible verse to everyone when the lights go out at 10:30 pm. Praise God! We had church tonight with 14 inmates and a local man who has no church affiliation at all, came to speak about Romans 12:2 ‘renewing of your mind’ to us. I was all over that from the five months I had to spend in Pure Desire ministry. In a jail situation, it is obvious we are all there due to our thought processes because we become what we think! 

I have a friend who is ordering a Pure Desire book and workbook for me and having it sent here. I can’t wait! And, when I leave, I’m going to leave them both in the jail library. 

Thanks again to Pastor Ted and the Pure Desire ministry!

 I confessed I was using sex to medicate myself from the hurt caused by my wife’s affairs. Once I talked to Harry, I had the courage to go home and talk to my wife about everything. During that talk, she told me of her current affair, which I had suspected was going on. 

She told me that she was no longer happy, that we had no connection, that she didn’t want to work on anything and hinted that she wanted out. This, along with her current behavior of being dishonest about who she was with and talking to on the phone, her rejection of both our couples’ counseling and her individual counseling, her walking away from the church, the constant guarding of her phone and the defensiveness when confronted about these things, led me to believe that there was little hope for us. That night we decided we should end our marriage and go our separate ways. 

The pain of the past as well as the constant anxiety and depression of the present has been intense. But, in the process, my FMO group has been my life line. One of the things I’ve realized since starting is that my addiction prevented me from truly dealing with the issues in our marriage. Unfortunately, the only thing I can do now is move on knowing that I could have done things differently. 

It has cost me a lot to get to the point where I am now. But I want to thank Harry for listening to me that night. It was the first step towards healing for me. 

Alex