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Diane and I have just returned from having a marvelous Sexy Christians Seminar in Bend Oregon. Bend is one of the most picturesque towns in all of eastern Oregon, but what made it such a beautiful time were the folks who showed up.

Pastor Ken Johnson has developed an awesome support team for their Pure Desire Ministry, and Diane and I loved praying with them prior to the seminar.

The registration was hectic as usual. Folks from all over the Northwest showed up.

Diane and I had a marvelous time sharing with the folks in attendance. “Fred the brain” was a hit as well.

The couples came to really share with each other and pray together.

ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS

1.       How can I change my attitude that oral sex is a selfish behavior?

The question of oral sex as a part of foreplay always comes up. Usually the husband is demanding or pressing for it and the wife is not interested. I suspect what lies behind this question is one partner desires oral sex and the other doesn’t. In fact they see it as a “self-focused” request.  In the sexual relationship between a husband and wife it is important that we express our sexual desires openly, but NOT make them a demand. Oral sex is found in the Bible (Song of Songs chapter 2) as something that can be an expression of love between a husband and wife. Yet because it is found in the Bible doesn’t make it a mandatory activity. God’s goal for your marriage is real intimacy not just intercourse. Therefore, mutual fulfillment is the goal and that means at times you may have to adjust to the less adventurous partner’s desires.

2.       How can Porn destroy a relationship?

Here are some clinically verified facts about porn. It results in:

• Decreased sensitivity towards women—more aggression, rudeness and less respect. 
• Increased risk of getting involved in sexual behavior that is risky, unhealthy or illegal. 
• Increased risk of becoming sexually abusive. 
• Increased risk of becoming sexually dissatisfied with spouse. 
• Increased risk of cheating on spouse.
• Increased risk of viewing casual sex with people as normal and a natural behavior that has little consequences.

Porn is an absolute destroyer of marriages and intimacy!

3.       What resources are available for E. D. besides Viagra and Calais?

When a man experiences erectile dysfunction the first resource to seek is the advice of a doctor because we are dealing with a blood flow problem. If there is something physically wrong such as poor cardiac condition a physical examination will detect that. But most E. D. in our society is caused by stress and the use of pornography.  I have lost count of the number of men who I have counseled who can experience an erection while viewing porn, but are unable to be sexual with their wives. If the husband is viewing porn then the problem is spiritual not physical. In the other cases the problem is physical. Or it is mental when you are dealing with high levels of stress.

4.       As an engaged couple what should we be doing to learn more about each other sexually before we get married without actually doing anything? Is it possible?

You have learned all you will need sexually prior to marriage in the seminar. Instead you need to receive the great gift that has been given to you in the engaged period. That is the gift of becoming deep friends. Intimacy is about an incredible friendship of the heart that can last a lifetime. The problem is most folks confuse intercourse with intimacy and end up becoming strangers passing in the night of their loneliness.

5.       What is the best way to break out of Stalemate?

Great question!!! First of all recognize that you are in a Stalemate as we described it in the seminar. Then don’t feel hopeless. All couples eventually end up there. And remember what I said; “Only Christ can lift you out of a Stalemate.” This is the time to deepen your spiritual commitment to the marriage and to God. Pray together each night. Serve in a ministry together if possible. And above all find new ways to grow together spiritually.

6.       How do I repent in my marriage? How do I learn about the peace that comes with repentance?

Repentance begins with acknowledging what you have done to your spouse. Then at a deeper level it begins to take place when you FEEL the hurt you caused your mate…that is the really tough part! The peace comes when you change by the grace of God your destructive patterns of behavior. Repentance is more than a confession or a feeling; it is a change of lifestyle that brings peace.

7.       Are there any acts or situations between husbands and wives that are ungodly?

I assume that you are referring to sexual acts. This is another question that always comes up and seems to be a real conundrum for many. But it is a non-issue once you realize that God’s plan for marriage is that a husband and wife would be totally devoted to each other. And there would not be any outside pornographic influences. The final element would be that they both deeply want to honor God. Within those parameters the husband and wife are free to do whatever they find mutually fulfilling. There are no limits! The problem we have in our relationships today is most of us aren’t even close to experiencing God’s plan for our marriage.

8.       Hurt and anger led me to be unfaithful which I regret with every fiber in my being. I am working on my marriage with all my heart but haven’t told my spouse of my infidelity. Should I?

Challenging question! But here is the principle we must operate by … real intimacy is never possible when secrets exist between a husband and wife. The question therefore is never “if” but “how” and “when.” First of all there needs to be significant healing of the source or sources of your anger and hurt as you deepen your relationship with Christ. Next you to need to walk in a sustained period of sobriety with respect to these two issues in your life.  At the same time you must develop a growing relationship with your spouse. Finally, you will need to seek wise counsel from someone who has skill in helping a couple walk through the disclosure process. It is a terrifying process, but I have rarely seen a couple experience a divorce when they have had the courage to take these steps counting on the grace of God each step of the way.

9.       We scored a 19 and 21 on the sexual health of our marriage. We are committed to improvement but don’t know how or what to do?

Outstanding question and I love your heart! First of all continue to work on the “Homeplay” exercises you were given at the seminar. Then pick up a copy of “Sexy Christians” and the workbook when it comes out in March. In fact get several couples together and walk through the workbook as a small group. In the workbook there are questions you ask and answer only as a couple and questions for the group in general. Hopefully Pastor Johnson will follow up by using the workbook for small group couple’s classes in Bend.

 10.  As a single parent (woman) whose husband left, how can I teach my daughter what that she can trust men?

One of the main ways to teach your daughter is to begin to walk in healing yourself and deal with your own issues with men.  As you heal and have positive attitudes toward men it will allow her to do the same. The second thing is to get involved with small groups in your church so that she can see firsthand that there are godly men who can be trusted. Look for good role models and find activities to do with healthy families.

 11.    Do you feel that if you have been divorced you could re-marry? I blew it because of so much past abuse and PTSD. 

The ideal is to contend for a marriage that has ended in divorce.  Sometimes that doesn’t happen.  Whatever you choose in the future, it will need to be build on health.  A first priority would be to get counseling and healing from your past abuse.  With that healing you will have more ability to make wise choices in the future.

 12.    I have a checkered past, full of abuse- physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual, which leads to questionable sexual behavior and relationships on my part.  I am working on these issues but it requires communication with my partner who pulls away when he learns some of the truths.  I feel he judges me and I lose faith in him loving me.

With all these issues it is important for you to put all male relationships on hold and deal with the abuse of the past.  You will continue to push men away if you are still “bleeding” from the past.  Most women who focus strongly on male relationships can get caught up in love and sexual addiction.  The class, Accept No Substitutes (which I believe is being offered at Westside Church) can help you begin to deal with these issues and not feel judged.  There are many women struggling as you are and a huge healing comes when they are surrounded by other women working on the same issues.

 13.    If the wife doesn’t always have a climax, should the husband feel like there is something wrong? The wife feels like sex is enjoyable even without climax, but since the husband feels she has to climax she feels under pressure to perform and therefore sometimes avoids sex.

As we said in the seminar sexual climax isn’t the most important thing- it is being intimate with one another.  It is wonderful when women can climax and with open communication that can usually take place.  But when it becomes too much work, sex can lose the joy God intended.  Rather than focusing on performance, focus on enjoying each other especially if the wife finds sex enjoyable without a climax every time.

 14.    My husband and I are newlyweds who have been married for almost a year.  He wants to have sex more than I do.  I don’t desire it as much with my past history with men that have mentally and physically abused me. What do I do?

I encourage you to get healing from the abuse from the past. The enemy would love to use that to put a wedge between you and your spouse. Also, finish the Homeplay that talks about frequency and together negotiate what you both could settle upon- it may have to be a happy medium.

 15.    I am post- menopausal and feel dead as far as my interest in sex.  Where do I begin to re-light that interest?  I love my husband and just want to make him happy but know that I am not.

First, I love your heart to meet the needs of your husband.  As I shared in the seminar, I needed to see a naturopath because my hormone level barely registered and I had no testosterone.  I encourage you to see what you can do to awaken those hormones not only for your husband’s sake but also for yourself.

 16.    Any tips for having a great sex life while nursing babies and caring for very small children at home?  It seems like we don’t have any time and when we do we are exhausted.

Granted, it takes a little more effort with little ones- I remember those days.  But with the ability to pump milk I encourage you to work on a date night together and as Ted said if finances are difficult- swap children with another couple so you can have a night together a least a few times a month.  Making your relationship a priority now will pay off in the future when empty nest time comes.  You don’t want those years to come and wonder – who is that person I married?

 17.    My husband likes TV and says it is his way to unwind. This habit frustrates me; I feel he focuses on everything but me and spiritual things. What can I do?

Let him know you understand he needs to unwind. As a couple agree upon giving him some time to unwind and plan the week out so that other things can be added that you both enjoy.  I challenge you to find a fun activity you could both try or a new hobby you could do together.

 18.    I had many emotions squashed as a child, how do I deal with that now? 

As I shared in the seminar, it is important to deal with that and work through any anger you may have toward your parents.  They will probably never change, but you don’t have to stay stuck.  Getting in a healing group that deals with past issues can not only heal the past but also help you get in touch with emotions that have probably been buried because you were not allowed to have them as a child.  It is never too late to grow in this area.

 19.    When is your book coming out?

The Sexy Christian book and workbook will be coming out in March.  Westside Church will have it in their book store.

Diane and I recently traveled to Valley Christian Center to be with Pastor Ed Sweet and his wife Felicia.  We had a phenomenal time!  Ed was my daughter’s Junior High pastor so I definitely owed the man a favor.  But the favor was given to us… by having an opportunity to conduct a Sexy Christians Seminar at their place with folks from five other churches joining in.

Diane and I were up to our usual antics.

And the couples had a hard time stopping their Home Play exercises .

Here are some comments expressed by the couples in their evaluations of the Sexy Christians Seminary:

• I would encourage others to come because I heard stark truth that I had never heard in 53 years of going to church.
• You will hear Godly wisdom explained in a fun and intelligent and sexy manner!
• You will learn something you never knew about your spouse every 10 minutes. 
• It’s very spiritually fulfilling.  It makes you think and connect to your spouse in ways you may not have thought to. 
• It really uncovered common mis-conception of marriage and introduced a Godly perspective to the intimacy that God intended for His children. 
• All marriages will benefit from this seminar- even the “Good ones” like ours.

And here are two questions we couldn’t get to during the seminar:

#1. How do you protect your home from porn internet and otherwise?

That is a great question and one that so many parents ask us. Here are seven guidelines that I have found to be indispensible in protecting your home

1.    Have accountability software on your computer not just a filter. Covenant Eyes is the best I have found giving you the ability to have reports of what you are watching on line which are sent to several accountability partners.  Kids are computer savvy and can get around almost any filter. The accountability feature of Covenant Eyes is nearly “bullet proof” in protecting our home.

2.    Computers are only to be operated in an open, visible area …never in a child’s room behind closed doors and the same is true for the TV.

3.    Cell phone records and contents can to be reviewed by the parents

4.    I pods are also open to review ( I pods are a privilege not a right)

5.    No R rated movies in the house unless closely supervised ( “The Passion of the Christ” is R rated)

6.    Cable TV is not to have HBO and other channels that can have highly sexualized movies.

7.    ***And the parents are to live by the same rules of accountability. Their cell phone /I pods and computers are to be used with a commitment of accountability.

#2:   How can a woman respect her husband when she feels like he is not being the man of the household and leading the relationship?

Many feel a similar concern, especially when scripture asks us to respect and honor our spouse.  I love the statement I heard many years ago: Treat a man as he is and he remain the same, treat a man the way you would like him to be and he can grow to be that better man.

There are a number of things that you can do regardless of the choices he makes.

1.       Pray according to his calling.  Sometimes I have prayed for Ted to change because I was embarrassed or inconvenienced. It was then God said- I don’t change people because you are inconvenienced.  But I do answer prayer that fit with the calling I have place upon Ted.  In your case, you know he is called to lead- begin praying that way.

2.       Each day look for things he does that you can thank him for (and thank God for).  Many men do not feel appreciated at home compared to work- so they will invest time and effort in the place they feel appreciated.

3.       Check and see if there are things you are doing that you need to stop doing- especially if he needs to be doing them.  I know in the past I often felt I had better do such and such if it is going to get done.  Then I realized I just needed to let go and let natural consequences happen if it was Ted’s job and it didn’t get done.

These are three things you can do without making demands on your spouse.  I have found that when I make changes- even in slight ways- the picture somehow changes and that is what I pray for you.

Blessings, Diane

The last six weeks have been an absolute whirlwind of travels for Diane and myself. We started off the journey in Richland Washington at Bethel Church. It is a great Conservative Baptist Church that is uniquely open to the healing work of  Christ. They are launching For Men Only groups this month! The Sexy Christians Seminar was packed out! The response was outstanding to say the least.

The couples Home Play was a hit as usual.  So many couples commented on how their time of sharing with one another was life changing. We   saved the questions couples asked in the seminars… but we didn’t have time to answer… for the end of the blog.

Diane and I also spoke at the singles conference that immediately followed the Sexy Christians Seminar. Many of the singles commented after we shared with them about biblical sexuality they wished they had come to the S. C Seminar. We try to tell folks how the concept of being a Sexy Christian is for both singles and couples. It is a hard concept for most folks to grasp because the church has been so negative toward sexuality in the past …but times are changing!

Next we hopped on a jet and spent 22+ hours in the air to fly to Cape Town South Africa. We were able to speak to a gathering of leaders from ten different nations. The need in Africa for solid biblical teaching concerning sexuality is critical to say the least. Every—every –national leader told is they desperately need Pure Desire to come to their country. One of our goals at PDMI is to reach six different nations in the next ten years. The way God is opening doors it may occur in half that time!

We have received some incredible questions on the Blog over the last couple of months and I want to encourage the readers to post any and all questions you might have concerning sexual issues in your life. It is interesting that no matter where we travel in the world, no matter what the culture or race of folks we are speaking to –the questions about their sexuality are very much the same. It turns out that “Sex” is a universal language!

This month we traveled to Sydney and held a Sexy Christians Conference in pastor Warren’s and Judy’s church —Calvary Chapel. It was totally delightful time. The openness and honesty of the Australian culture is a total “kick!”

Diane is obviously having a fun time as the audience teases her about her accent. But there were many tears and some incredible healing in the hearts and lives of husbands and wives

The highlight once again of the conference was when the couples begain to share with one another during the “Home Play’ exercises. The Holy Spirit can do some profoundly deep healing in the midst of honest dialogue with one another. And the couples obviously had some fun doing it.

One couple sent pastor Warren the follow comments

“Hi Mate ( I love the Australian way of greeting)

We left the Seminar with sooo much to come home and talk about and work through. We had conversations unlike anything we’ve had in 5 and a half years of marriage, and it has set a new precedent in our relationship. It is for this new dimension in our relationship that we are thankful to pastors Ted and Diane, Yourself (Warren), Judy and your team, and mostly to the awesome God we serve.”

Comments like that made the 14 hour flight more than worth it.  We will be back home for a while until we travel to South Africa in March of 09. In the month ahead I will speaking at the Dream Center on August 28th and Life Pacific College September 11th.

In the way of questions we are encountering with respect to sexuality it is interesting that no matter where we travel and no matter what age the crowd the question of “Oral Sex” comes up. For the young generation it has become almost as common as kissing was in my day and age.  And most frequently the question is possesed with a great deal of emotion behind it. Either the wife feels forced to engage in oral sex or the husband is frustrated because his wife will not perform such behavior.

A couple comments about the behavior…….

#1 It is not prohibited by scripture in fact the Song of Songs appears to consider it as appropriate behavior. ( S of S 2:3)

#2 But it is only appropriate within the context of a husband and wife relationship. It is never to be engaged in courtship.

#3 And this is the most important principle is found in I Cor 7:1-5 where Paul points out that the husband’s body does not belong himself and the wives’ body is not her’s as well. It is critical that we realize Paul has underlined a challenging tension about our sexual responsibilities as husband and wife. There can never be a self focus if sexual fulfillment is going to take place.

So many times I told a husband that his obcession on “oral sex” is crushing his wife’s spirit. He is so totally focused on what he is supposedly missing –he is totally missing the incredile gift of his wife. “Oral sex” is never to be the focus of intercourse at the most it is can be part of foreplay but it is never the main course!

Diane and I would love to hear any questions you may have …

In His Love

Dr. Ted

Sorry about the previous pictures I am just getting use to the Blogg!?!

There that looks much better!

Ted

Questions from Portland and Santa Rosa ……

Here are a few pictures of the great turnout at the Sexy Christian Seminars in our hometown of Portland and Santa Rosa California. We started off in Pastor Dennis’ church in downtown Portland and a huge crowd showed up despite the fact that there was not much time to advertize the event.

I especially love this picture of a couple sharing their “Home Play.”

In Santa Rosa we joined with a number of churches and meet together in Pastor Andy’s church a great group of “rocking” Baptist.

Once again the couples loved the “Home Play” and of course great California weather didn’t hurt!

Over the next couple of weeks Diane and I will be answering the questions we didn’t have time to get to during the seminars. I would love to have those who attended to ask for any further claification as they read through our responses.

Question #1

This is one of the top quesitons we usually get at the seminar.

“Is oral sex an acceptable practice for Christians?”

Paul is vividly clear that your body in marriage doesn’t just belong to you alone but is to be enjoyed by your mate as well. ( I Cor 7) There is to be this creative and beautify balance in marriage of giving towards one another. I preface my comments with that very important principle becasue so many men attempt to force oral sex on their wives.

As I pointed out in the seminar the Song of Songs openly talks about oral sex and the delights of such activity. God is not up tight about us enjoying the full range of sexual pleasure as a couple. BUT HOWEVER it must be a mutual agreed upon activity and nothing to be force on a marriage partner.  As a huband or wife you can express your desire for a certain sexual activity but in can never be something you demand from your mate.

Question #2

“How do I love my wife better?”

Awesome quesiton!  You are well on your way just by asking such a question. But as you know it is not an automatic process. Every women is different, hand made by God and they change as you love them. I warned my son-in-law when they were first marriage. “Jason as you love your wife more and more effectively she will get stronger and stronger and challenge you more and more. Enjoy the adventure!”

Probably the greatest need a woman has –is simply to be listened to. Not listen to, to fix her problem or debate the issue. Just to be listened to. That is the number one comment I have heard in the counseling office time and time again. “He doesn’t listen to me.” Listen to your wife. I know it is hard becasue so frequently I think I know what Diane is going to say before she says it. But agreement about content is not what she is looking for —but a connection of hearts. I am getting better —every husband can and it is well worth the effort!

Question #3

“How do you get over the shame from past sexual sins committed before you where with your current mate?”

Another great quesiton. Now the key word in your question is “shame.” It is the driving force behind every addition at some point in a person’s life. THEREFORE it will not get any better by doing nothing about it.  First and foremost you need to find a counselor you trust who knows something about sexual issues. Many pastors are not really comfortable in dealing with such issues. So you may need to find a Christian counselor to help you process the pain of the past. If addictive behavior was involved in will be important to find a counselor that has been trained in sexual addiciton issues.  And here is the really challenging part…..at some point ..not immediately…you should share with your mate what took place. Not the details but the overall struggle and pain you went through. The shame you are struggling with is in a sense effecting your relationship right now. At some point there needs to be no secrets between you. Take your time. Get a good counselor or pastor and they will help you walk through the process. I know it sounds scary but it will take your marriage to a whole new level of closeness.

We will be addressing about 5 to 10 questions each week until we have answered them all.

In His Love –His outragious —incredible love!

Pastor Ted

I absolutely fell in love with the worship in Central America. Those folks know how to get it on in worship! Diane and I traveled to Panama, Guatamala and Honduros for a ten day ministry trip.

We present a Sexy Christian Seminar in all three nations. The had never heard of such a thing in church. One fellow stood and asked what “sexy” meant. I knew we had our work cut out for us. But soon it was obvious that everyone was with me. The internet was not as big an issue as it is in America but sexual bondage is no less of a monster.

I saw more miracles in this trip than any ministry trip I have ever been part of. It was incredible. After our final time of ministry at a church which the president of our denomination pastors in Honduros we sat having coffee together. And he passionately asked me to please return to his country because of the deep level of sexual bondage. I told him it would be unlikely because of financial considerations. 

Please pray with me –I am serious on this one –please pray with me for God to provide the funds so that we can help the pastors and leaders in these nations. America isn’t the only one struggling with the monster of sexual bondage —it is a world wide problem in the church.

I will never forget the people. Their passionate souls and the poverty they struggled with deeply gripped my heart. Diane and I were praying for couples at one of the seminars and the pastors were mostly farmers.  The men were small in stature, aged before their time because of the intense physical labor they were involved in every day in the fields. As I prayed for the men tears literally streamed down their faces as they stood beside their wives. I asked the interpreter if the men were always this emotional. She said, “These men never cry or shed a tear. They are usually very stoic. God is doing something deep within them.”

And God the Holy Spirit did something very deep within me in the process of praying for those precious couples.

 Dr. Ted

“Greetings from Holland the home of the original “red light district” and the topless bar.  They started here in the 17th century, and I thought “Hooters” was the original. I guess guys have learning how be addicted since the beginning of time. I had agreed to come to Holland over two years ago well before I knew I would be part of launching Pure Desire Ministries International. I wasn’t expecting much from the trip because this tiny country is the third largest producer of pornography in the world! Sexual addiction is almost as big of a business here as it is in the United States. I just assumed that there would be resistance from the church like I have encountered in America. But the Holy Spirit had totally different plans. Yesterday Diane and I spend the entire morning planning with the National Board of the Foursquare Church in Holland on how to make the Pure Desire Ministry available to every church in the nation in 2009. I also spoke at Piet Brinksma’s church who is the president of the denomination, and over two thirds of the congregation stood to their feet indicating that they wanted to serve in taking Pure Desire to their nation. Amazing! As the president and I drove to a meeting together the Lord gave me a picture of a spark that ignited a flame that spread across Europe! Isn’t that just like God to take a nation that is known for immorality, and set it ablaze with his holiness? This could definitely be the beginning of something really huge in the Kingdom! Pray for Diane and me as we share with this great land and magnificent people the healing power of God’s goodness!Ted”

In opening this Blog I am hoping to create a community of men and women who want to openly and honestly take on the Monster. The Monsters of sexual bondages and addictions that are absolutely crippling the church of Jesus Christ. I am praying we can get beyond the shame and guilt that seems to be the very air the church breathes concerning this issue.  It hangs like smog in the LA basin on a hot and sultery August day.  When I attended college in Pomona I didn’t even realize there were mountains surrounding the area until late fall. As I sat outside one day I looked up and realized there were actually snow capped peaks to the east. The beauty of the rock ribbed hills was refreshing to my soul.  Born in the Pacific Northwest I had deeped missed the perspective of being surrounded by mountains.

Of course the freshing my soul received the first time I was able to turn passionately away from pron was life changing.  That is why I have dedicated the next twenty years of my life to help men and women in the local church get free from the pernacious cluthes of sexual bondage. Until there is a significant breakthrough for folks sitting in the pews and the leaders in the pulpit across this nation every week –there is absolutely no way the church will ever experience real revival. 

Recently I was able, with the assistance of Dr. Patrick Carnes, to conduct a voluntary survey of evangelical pastors and church leaders across this nation with respect to their level of sexual bondage. (I will keep the specific name of the organization confidential until they allow me the opportunity to present the results to their membership.) Dr. Carnes was thrilled with the results becasue there has been no specifical clinical data concerning evangelical leaders on the subject. Primarily they have assumed they don’t have such problems. Well guess what? Over half the population eithered admitted they were a sex addict or were having a problem. And the level of stress among the female population was off the charts!

So here is what I propose —lets create a “Shame Free Zone”.  Let’s admit it is a HUGE PROBLEM in the church today! Let’s admit WE have a problem.  And as James 5: 14-16 declares let’s admit our struggles to one another AND GET HEALED!

Here is what I want to suggest —let’s not have a typical Blog where I just share my rambling thoughts with you. Instead what are your struggles sexually?    

What have you told yourself a thousand times you will not do that again–and you did it again!                                  

What sexual thoughts batter your soul that you want to get free of?

What are your questions?  I have listened to folks for over twenty years with respect to their sexual struggles –so I have figured out a couple things that work. If I don’t have a clue I can get in touch with some world class experts on the subject who can give us some suggestions. Or the dialogue of the Shame Free Zone community under the guidance of the Holy Spirit will give us insight.

So what are you questions about your sexual struggles —Come On!  Give me your best shot! Lets see what God can do in the Shame Free Zone!

In His Love

Dr. Ted